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The Impact of Growing Up with Hoarder Parents: Understanding the Hidden Trauma

Writer's picture: Diane MesnierDiane Mesnier


Let’s talk about a condition that is not very well known, at least in Europe, mainly because of the secrecy surrounding it.






What is Hoarding?


Hoarders are people who collect lots and lots of things, to the point of impacting their living conditions and often their health. They keep on piling objects, sometimes even trash, without being able to get rid of anything. As a result, their homes become cluttered with stuff, making it challenging or impossible to clean up properly and out of the question to invite people over.



Isolation and Secrecy


Hoarders tend to become quite isolated over time. The behavior itself is often an unconscious attempt to isolate oneself by keeping others away from their home. People who live in such conditions don’t usually end up in therapy and don’t reach out for help to clean up their homes. However, their children are more likely to seek help.



The Children of Hoarders


Children of hoarders are essentially the collateral victims of their hoarding caregiver. Living with a hoarder is like living in the physical representation of someone’s mental state—disorganized, messy, confused, and out of control.

Children who live with a hoarder can be deeply impacted by the shame of having a messy home, even though they have no control over their surroundings. They can also experience humiliation, sometimes having no other choice but to sleep on the floor or eat in unusual places due to the lack of space.



The Need for Control


Growing up under the care of a hoarder can significantly impact one’s relationship with control. Often, children of hoarders develop a strong need to control their environment and can become 'control freaks.' Their search for control can also be more subtle and directed towards specific objects such as food or money.



The Importance of Boundaries


The lack of limits and boundaries experienced during childhood can create a high tendency for self-regulation and self-imposed rules. These mechanisms, developed as protection during childhood, usually persist into adulthood, causing suffering. Growing up in a chaotic environment is harmful, and children of hoarders are likely to develop rigidity to cope with their uncontrollable surroundings. This chronic trauma deserves recognition and healing.



Seeking Professional Help


Considering all of the above, seeking professional help is essential for those raised by a hoarding parent. Therapeutic help can allow children of hoarders to process the chronic childhood trauma they endured and help them set healthy boundaries and limits for their adult selves.





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